It has been a year and a half since I have posted anything on this blog. Now, I am breaking my silence just a few months after the two year mark. My mother is doing well, she has a full time job cleaning and assisting a family in their everyday needs. She got her a small travel trailer, a car, and some fish. She has had weak moments, but hasn't relapsed. She has had temptations, but she stayed strong. I am very proud of her, her faith in God has guided her and strengthened her.
I am doing well also, I feel like I am in a content spot. We do not have a mother/daughter relationship that most do. I can't really explain our relationship, we don't talk daily or even weekly at times. I still feel like she can be selfish and think the world owes her something. (not sure if I explained that emotion before, but I will try to now)
Even though she has changed so much some of those less desirable personality traits are still there. I still see them and I don't really care for them. I am trying my best to pray about it and not let it get to me. I can not control the way someone acts, speaks, or thinks. I can only stay strong with who I am as a person. Everyone is human.
I feel like I am in a better place than I was before, but I'm not sure if I have completely forgiven her or if I have just accepted things for the way that they are. Perhaps it isn't fair that I haven't just completely let go and forgiven, but I don't know how to do that yet. I am trying. I am learning and growing, but even with how wise and old I feel I am still a twenty-four year old young lady. Even with all the responsibility and joy I have in my life there is a piece of that abused neglected child that lives in my heart and feels like she doesn't have a voice.
No one has a perfect life, but the side of me that is so deeply in love with my husband and children is darn near perfect. I truly couldn't love my life more and be more blessed or thankful. There is the daughter part though that still hasn't found her place. I don't care who you are everyone needs a parent, a mother, a father, or even a grandparent to guide them. My grandparents passed a long time ago, my father a couple years ago, but I still have my mother. I still need to find some sort of relationship with her, but I still struggle. I just don't know how we fit in each others lives still.
I guess this update has hope because two years is a long time for an addict to stay clean on the outside, counting the inside she has been clean for seven. That is no small feat. However, our relationship is still struggling and I am not sure if that will ever change. It's a work in progress, but our story isn't over yet. There is always a shred of hope that God will guide us to where we are supposed to be.
God Bless
-Daughter of a Recovering Addict
