Coming Out from under my rock...

So, I know I haven't updated this thing in forever, but thought I would stop by and make a post.

Things with my mom are still awkward, I am starting to trust that her old life is behind her and I have been letting her spend time with the kids, but as far as our relationship it is iffy at best.  I just don't see how we will ever have a mother/daughter relationship.

I figure I am going to just let it go and let her have a relationship with her grandkids as long as she is doing good.

I have to remind myself often that she isn't my responsibility and since I have been doing that I have been doing better.

My husband has been more supportive, but in a way that I don't know how to explain.

It is a silent support, it is in the way that he sees things she says that eat at me and he calls it out.  It is nice to know I am not alone and not the only one that sees it.

My relationship with my husband and my daughters seems stronger, better.  I don't feel so down and I feel happy, I feel a little carefree sometimes.

I am doing good, moving on and just reminding myself a few important things:

• My family is the most important thing
• I have to take care of myself
• I can't always do everything
• I can't control everything
• My mother is not my responsibility

and the biggest one

 I deserve to be happy and loved, I have that and I need to make sure I give that happiness and love back to my family 100%.  There are only four people that matter, my husband, my two beautiful children, and myself.

 I hope if someone is reading this and they need guidance or just someone to relate then they will feel free to comment or follow.

I don't know how much more I will write, because today I feel good, but I will keep you updated on her recovery and my feelings/thoughts/emotions.

Long Way Around

We have fought and we have battled, we have taken the long way around and as I sit here I realize I have done it wrong.  I have to forgive before we can move forward, I have to take it one step, one day at a time and that is hard for me.

I am a fast paced person, I just want to get through it, over it, and past it, but you can't just sweep it under the rug and call this done.  IT is a slow and steady process, it takes one day at a time to get to where we need to be and even though I am a little lost some days, I now know the most important thing: Take a breath and take it one day at a time.

Resentment

Resentment
noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

It took some time, but I have come to define this emotion that I am feeling.  It has been creeping and hiding within me waiting to come out and yesterday as I tittered on edge I was able to grasp it.  Yesterday was a hard day, it was full of pain, anger, and annoyance.  My mother and I were at each others throats on everything.  I know she has changed, I know she is doing well, and I am proud of her for that.  However, our relationship seems to be at an impasse of sorts.  We can't find a medium between before and now.  We can't find our way and neither of us kow what to say.  

The tension can be felt in the air between us.  It bares down like the weight of the world and you feel the need to break it, but there is no breaking free.  No end in sight and as the pressure builds you are sure you will implode.  Neither of us know what to do, she says things, I say things, and we both are left feeling a void. 

She tries, I try, but is it better to just cut ties?  Any relationship that takes work is suppose to be stronger, so we stick with it, but still the pressure remains.

Most days I feel like I am walking a tight rope in a bad circus act, my feet are unstable, and I am not confident at all.  I am waiting for the wire to slip out from under me and for me to fall to the depths below in a world of pain.  I am waiting for the rope to snap, bend, or break;  I am just waiting.

As I break across a divide where all kinds of emotions and feelings reside, I find what I have been looking for, the one emotion that explains it all.  Resentment.  I resent her, I resent my childhood, I resent my life before my family, and I blame her;  It is all on her in my head, my heart and truthfully she is the source, but still I feel like I have to find the fault in myself also.  I don't understand it all and this may make no sense to anyone (because I know it doesn't make sense to me). 

However, I feel like I have at least accomplished one thing, I found the emotion that has been baring me down.  Now, if only I could find a way to work through it?

Lonely & Sad

It seems like no one understands me and no one is listening to me.  This sounds extremely selfish, but it is the way I felt the first sixteen years of my life and it is suddenly the way I feel today.  I know my  husband loves me and is there for me, but every time I am at my breaking point he is unaware of it and I put up a piece of my wall because I feel like at that moment he isn't accessible to me. 

Right now I just want to be alone and I know that is just so I can hide, if I hide it isn't real right?
However, when you have two kids, a husband, and your recovering addict mother living with you, you can't really be alone.  Oh yea, I guess I haven't updated since she has been home.  Yep, a week now.

The first few days seemed easy, like we could do it, and we can, but it isn't easy.  Everything she says, everything she does I have a mini flash back to something she said or did in the past.  I take her advice like a grain of salt and I can't balance the way my emotions are washing around.  I don't know, I don't understand any of it and I just feel like I am drowning.  Like I just need to be alone for an hour or a year to deal with it all.  My mom wants me to talk to her, but I can't.  I have here and there, but I don't know.  She is weak and I don't want to push her with my hurtful emotions, I don't want to be the reason she relapses.

I just wish I could understand and deal...