Resentment

Resentment
noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

It took some time, but I have come to define this emotion that I am feeling.  It has been creeping and hiding within me waiting to come out and yesterday as I tittered on edge I was able to grasp it.  Yesterday was a hard day, it was full of pain, anger, and annoyance.  My mother and I were at each others throats on everything.  I know she has changed, I know she is doing well, and I am proud of her for that.  However, our relationship seems to be at an impasse of sorts.  We can't find a medium between before and now.  We can't find our way and neither of us kow what to say.  

The tension can be felt in the air between us.  It bares down like the weight of the world and you feel the need to break it, but there is no breaking free.  No end in sight and as the pressure builds you are sure you will implode.  Neither of us know what to do, she says things, I say things, and we both are left feeling a void. 

She tries, I try, but is it better to just cut ties?  Any relationship that takes work is suppose to be stronger, so we stick with it, but still the pressure remains.

Most days I feel like I am walking a tight rope in a bad circus act, my feet are unstable, and I am not confident at all.  I am waiting for the wire to slip out from under me and for me to fall to the depths below in a world of pain.  I am waiting for the rope to snap, bend, or break;  I am just waiting.

As I break across a divide where all kinds of emotions and feelings reside, I find what I have been looking for, the one emotion that explains it all.  Resentment.  I resent her, I resent my childhood, I resent my life before my family, and I blame her;  It is all on her in my head, my heart and truthfully she is the source, but still I feel like I have to find the fault in myself also.  I don't understand it all and this may make no sense to anyone (because I know it doesn't make sense to me). 

However, I feel like I have at least accomplished one thing, I found the emotion that has been baring me down.  Now, if only I could find a way to work through it?