Resentment

Resentment
noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

It took some time, but I have come to define this emotion that I am feeling.  It has been creeping and hiding within me waiting to come out and yesterday as I tittered on edge I was able to grasp it.  Yesterday was a hard day, it was full of pain, anger, and annoyance.  My mother and I were at each others throats on everything.  I know she has changed, I know she is doing well, and I am proud of her for that.  However, our relationship seems to be at an impasse of sorts.  We can't find a medium between before and now.  We can't find our way and neither of us kow what to say.  

The tension can be felt in the air between us.  It bares down like the weight of the world and you feel the need to break it, but there is no breaking free.  No end in sight and as the pressure builds you are sure you will implode.  Neither of us know what to do, she says things, I say things, and we both are left feeling a void. 

She tries, I try, but is it better to just cut ties?  Any relationship that takes work is suppose to be stronger, so we stick with it, but still the pressure remains.

Most days I feel like I am walking a tight rope in a bad circus act, my feet are unstable, and I am not confident at all.  I am waiting for the wire to slip out from under me and for me to fall to the depths below in a world of pain.  I am waiting for the rope to snap, bend, or break;  I am just waiting.

As I break across a divide where all kinds of emotions and feelings reside, I find what I have been looking for, the one emotion that explains it all.  Resentment.  I resent her, I resent my childhood, I resent my life before my family, and I blame her;  It is all on her in my head, my heart and truthfully she is the source, but still I feel like I have to find the fault in myself also.  I don't understand it all and this may make no sense to anyone (because I know it doesn't make sense to me). 

However, I feel like I have at least accomplished one thing, I found the emotion that has been baring me down.  Now, if only I could find a way to work through it?

Lonely & Sad

It seems like no one understands me and no one is listening to me.  This sounds extremely selfish, but it is the way I felt the first sixteen years of my life and it is suddenly the way I feel today.  I know my  husband loves me and is there for me, but every time I am at my breaking point he is unaware of it and I put up a piece of my wall because I feel like at that moment he isn't accessible to me. 

Right now I just want to be alone and I know that is just so I can hide, if I hide it isn't real right?
However, when you have two kids, a husband, and your recovering addict mother living with you, you can't really be alone.  Oh yea, I guess I haven't updated since she has been home.  Yep, a week now.

The first few days seemed easy, like we could do it, and we can, but it isn't easy.  Everything she says, everything she does I have a mini flash back to something she said or did in the past.  I take her advice like a grain of salt and I can't balance the way my emotions are washing around.  I don't know, I don't understand any of it and I just feel like I am drowning.  Like I just need to be alone for an hour or a year to deal with it all.  My mom wants me to talk to her, but I can't.  I have here and there, but I don't know.  She is weak and I don't want to push her with my hurtful emotions, I don't want to be the reason she relapses.

I just wish I could understand and deal...